Beyond The Wall

2-11-2003

The Clemency Board has turned down my application for relief from such an excessive sentence. I was told that this Phase I hearing was about learning more about me. They called it “putting a face on me” so I prepared an impressive information packet. Your letter was an important part of that.

However, this was not their focus at all. They were more interested in some legal points that I thought were going to be covered in Phase II of the hearings. I had no attorney there and my supporters were not prepared to answer their questions. In hindsight, I wish I had included a copy of the audit and parts of the sentencing transcript. This would have proven that I was sentenced under false figures and false testimony.

They say that I can reapply in two years and I’ll do that. We’ll be able to be fully prepared next time.

Someday in a more enlightened age, there will be more focus on compassion and rehabilitation and less on just punishment. When this change occurs, it will open up many opportunities for healing.

I made the mistake of getting my hopes up on this one, but apparently my work in the “monastery” isn’t over yet. There are more lives for me to touch right here…at least for a while.

Do you remember the article that I sent to you called “A Prison Miracle”? (Hey, I could use one of those). It’s the story of one of my students, Billy, and his sister, Maxine who have been separated for 48 years. She flew in from Dallas to see Billy last weekend and what a meeting that was! There were so many tears they had to ask for paper towels. Their heart-warming story is a reminder of how much letters and visits mean to these forgotten ones in here.

The Present Moment

by Charles “Tom” Brown

Copyright 2002

I could not help but hear the heated conversation at the table next to me in the prison visitation room:

Inmate: “You don’t come often enough to see me. It’s too long between visits.”

Girlfriend: “I am with you right now. I am talking to you right now.”

Inmate: “Yes, you’re with me now, but you’re usually not.”

The inmate was upset with his girlfriend for not coming to visit him often enough and was unable to grasp the simple reality of the present moment. Instead of recognizing and appreciating her being with him, he used that time to complain about other times.

This is a good example of how we define things and believe things to be, without considering the reality of the present moment, which might in truth be something completely different from our habitual beliefs. This is the way many of us unknowingly go through life. We have ideas about how things and people are, but we do not stop to look, in the truth of the present moment, to see if it is actually so. Life is lived only in the NOW, not in past regrets or future anxieties.

Spiritual growth is based on seeing the newness of things, on opening our hearts, and on clearing our vision in order to return to the timeless present. It allows us to become more active and more alive. As we do this, we can sense the ceaseless nature of the flow of events in our lives and we can discover a freedom beyond all changing conditions.

We discover that our very breath and body and human limitations are a part of the divine. We learn to embrace it all, the body of joy and of grief, to listen to the heart and love the heart’s capacity to feel. This immediacy is the true source of compassion and understanding.

1-25-2003

I have been rereading some of your letters, and they are a continuing source of encouragement and inspiration for me. I can’t even begin to tell you how much your loyal support means to me.

I have received approval for a Phase I hearing before the Board of Clemency on February 3^rd. If this is approved, it goes on to the governor for the final OK. It’s a long, difficult process, but it feels good to get something besides the usual denials.

The information packet that I sent to the Board includes your beautiful support letter, and I know it will be helpful. I would appreciate your prayers and good thoughts for a positive outcome on Feb. 3^rd.

Working on this packet has taken me to places in my thoughts that I had not allowed myself to go to. My release day of 12-17-11 is so far in the future, I haven’t dared to think about what I would do when I get out. I know I’ll be fine, but since I have no home, no car, and no money, it’s “kinda scary.”

This may appear strange to you, but one of the first things I would like to do when I get out is to go to the petting section of the Phoenix Zoo and pet the animals. I would like to grow a garden too…and visit some nursing homes.

I’m trying to not get my hopes up, but this is the first ray of hope I have had, so I think I’ll just do it a little bit. (smiley face)

1-20-2003

What a delightful surprise! I just received your gift of the Ben Franklin book. I have always admired his curiosity and creativity and now I’m looking forward to learning more about him. He dared to think “outside the box” and think beyond the conventional wisdom of his time. Thanks so much, Steve.

In reading a copy of “Maybe” by Sark, I am appreciative of her writing that is always fresh and original. There’s one line I especially like…

“Maybe schools are filled with imagination and prisons have nutritious food and spiritual programs.”

Yes!! Maybe….Someday…

This Friday I’ll be handing out GED diplomas to many of my students and I’ve been thinking of all of the excuses I’ve heard for not studying and learning. Here are a few –

“All my life I’ve been told that I can’t learn.” (Many have bought into this belief).

“I have a headache.” (this is a favorite one)

“I’m having an off-day”

“Drugs have fried my brains”

“I can’t remember anything. I think I have Alzheimer’s”

“I’m too old for this *%$)#@”

“If I study anymore, it will strain my brain”

These excuses are given with the utmost seriousness, usually with a frown or a pained expression. It’s hard to keep a straight face. By applying a heavy dose of patience, persistence, and humor, however, most of these same ones get their GED diplomas. When I hand them their diplomas, the smile on their faces and the teary eyes say it all. Everything about them now indicates a renewed confidence, a greater belief in themselves, and a “knowing” that they can do it.

12-26-2002

My “Christmas crumb cake caper” (try saying that several times real fast) was carried out yesterday morning. While everyone was sleeping yesterday morning, I placed a small cinnamon crumb cake on the shelf beside each bed in my dormitory run.

I really didn’t want anyone to know where they came from, but when they awoke and saw it, many came to me and said, “Tom, did you do this?”

Not wanting to lie and yet not wanting them to know it was me, I did what politicians do and dodged the question. I said, “It must have been Santa Claus.” Needless to say, they didn’t buy that. Invariably, they’d say something like, “We know it was you. Nobody else here would do that!” I didn’t own up to it, but I’m the prime suspect. I can’t  get away with anything.

Thanks for the winter issue of Seasons. The way you used the howling winds and the storm as a metaphor for spiritual insights was truly inspiring. The other articles (Accepting Life, New Dawn, The Observer, and Thank You for Everything) are equally a source of comfort and strength. Well done, my friend. I’m honored to be a part of it.

You asked for permission to submit some of my articles to the websites where you are a monthly columnist. Yes, please do. Perhaps they will brighten and lighten the pathway for some of the readers.

I met the judge through your newsletter and what a dear friend he is. He has made it possible for me to get a new TV and I’m so grateful for that.

Enclosed is my latest article, “A Loving Presence.” Its theme sums up my purpose here – to let go of a though system based on fear, and accept instead a thought system based on love.

I certainly don’t pretend to consistently achieve a loving perspective on every situation in my life. One thing I’m very clear about, however, is when I do, life works beautifully. And when I don’t things get stuck.

You and I have always liked to dream of how things could be and a new year is approaching so let’s do some fantasizing. Ready? Here goes…

…I dream of a miracle in the American prison system where there is a shift from seeing prisons as houses of punishment to perceiving them as houses of rehabilitation. When we consciously change their purpose from fear to love, we release infinite possibilities of healing.

…I dream of a world in which all of us were in love, all the time, with everyone.

…there would be no wars because we wouldn’t fight.

…there would be no hunger because we would feed each other.

…there would be no environmental breakdown because we would love ourselves, each other, and our planet too much to destroy it.

…there would be no prejudice, oppression, or violence of any kind.

…there would be no sorrow.

…there would only be peace.

It’s fun to dream isn’t it? Bless the poets and dreamers and clowns.

11-25-2002

It seems as though our world has gone completely mad. Our government is “hell-bent” on going to war and the “correctional” system is “hell-bent” on punishing us even more. The U.S. has now become the world leader in the rate of incarceration. That’s quite a distinction, isn’t it? Sometimes I feel like I’m in the middle of the dark ages.

Lest I get carried away on my soap box, I’ll now change the subject to one of a lighter note (pictures of musical notes floating on page). Be forewarned – puns follow!

Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time; which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet he suffered from bad breath…That made him…What?

A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

And now let me tell you about Zebediah:

Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose jobs were to fertilize the eggs. Zeb kept records, and any rooster or pullet that didn’t perform well went into the pot, and was replaced. That took an awful lot of time, so Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

Zeb’s favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was too, only his bell had not rung all morning! Zeb went to investigate.

Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing! BUT, Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair.

Brewster was an overnight sensation!! The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Piece Prize he was also given the…are you sure you’re ready for this…absolutely sure??…Well, O.K…….THE PULLETSURPRISE

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This letter is from the Judge in North Carolina who met Tom through his articles published in my newsletter, Seasons of the Soul. They began a correspondence and found they had many things in common. When the Judge heard about the confiscation of personal belongings at the prison in Arizona, he was upset, and sent this letter to Tom with a copy to me.

11-23-02

Dear Tom,

Your letter telling of how you surrendered your TV and typewriter has touched me. I do not understand it at all. Some anger wells up within me; so I am trying, as I write these words, to go back to a state of serenity. (Just as you did.)

It also ignites me. I desire to do something concrete for you. Specifically, I want to give you $200. Please, therefore, tell me how to do it? Should I send a money order in your name?

Thus, like the white dove of peace; and like the miracle you wrote about; good ALWAYS comes out of bad. Always.

A Prison Miracle

By Charles “Tom” Brown

Copyright 2002

Because of the regimented, punishing routine of a prison yard, miracles are few and far between. One appeared recently, though. There’s no other word for it. It’s a miracle!

Billy is a 60 year old inmate who has been incarcerated for 35 years. He receives no visits or letters and has been forgotten by the outside world. All of this dramatically changed, however, when he received a letter from his sister, Maxine. They were adopted separately when Billy was 12 years old and have had no contact for 48 years. She found him on the internet.

This letter should not have been delivered. It did not have his inmate identification number on it and mail is automatically returned without it. But the, miracles don’t need to follow the path of logic, do they?

Billy brought the letter and his response to it to me to read. Those two letters were so heart-felt and real I felt like I was reading holy documents. As I read them, I could hear the dreams and yearnings, the gratitude and delight. I heard the questions and the musings, all coming from the heart of these two.

“I felt like a kid,” Billy said, “a kid who had never gotten a Christmas present and then, all of a sudden, there was this beautiful gift. All I could do was sit there and look at that letter with tears in my eyes.”

I’ll paraphrase his letter:

Dear Sis,

When your letter came, I was so full of emotion, I couldn’t even open it for awhile. Can you believe it’s been 48 years since you and I laughed and played together?

I love you so much, dear Sis, and don’t know how to tell you how much your letter means to me.

I’m supposed to be this hardened convict, this one who is too tough to show any feelings, but Sis, if I don’t quit writing right now, I’m going to cry like a baby.

Your loving brother,

Billy

She will be coming to see him soon and I hope I can be in that visitation room when those two meet. What a reunion that will be!

When we’re open to the miraculous events of life, as those two are, we’re with the flow, the senses are on full alert, the mind is receptive, the body is awaiting new input, and the soul is ready to go sailing on the sea of possibilities.

In the end, no matter how isolated or embattled our lives, we need one another as family, we need each other’s hearts and songs to help one another find another way. Our openness to the miraculous gifts of the universe is what holds us in its warm embrace.

11-18-2002

This is a challenging week here. The Department of “Corrections” has announced that many of our personal items are no longer allowed and are being taken from us…items like TV’s, typewriters, boom boxes, guitars, etc. We will be allowed to have a TV if we buy it from them (one with a clear case) at the inflated price of $200. As you can imagine, many of the fellows are frustrated and embittered. Riots have broken out at another facility.

It’s hard to comprehend the mentality that only focuses on punishment. Compassion and rehabilitation are unknown. Even education, the one ray of hope, is a low priority and is being cut back. This failed policy only produces unrest and anger among the inmates. It does nothing to prepare them for being released to society and, of course, they return here in droves. Sometimes I feel like I’m in the middle of the “dark ages.”

Earlier this morning I turned in my television and typewriter. (Sad face) I’ll no longer be able to type my articles or to watch TV. An artist friend, Butch, is making a fake TV for me out of cardboard. He thinks I should have it on my desk.

It’s only been a couple hours, but already I’m having withdrawal symptoms…shaking, quaking, shivering, quivering…tongue hanging out…

Even in the midst of all of this negativity, a miracle is occurring. I think I wrote to you earlier about it – the miracle of Billy and his letter. I’ve written an article about it called “A Prison Miracle.” I’ll enclose a copy for you. It’s a reminder of how much a letter or a visit means to these forgotten ones. It’s a reminder that we’re not alone and that someone cares.

This special friendship with you and Steve is so precious to me. It’s like a ray of sunshine in the darkness, a refreshing fountain in a dry, barren desert.

Coming Soon!!

An Article about Tom Brown will be featured on www.planetlightworker.com in the September issue with three or four of his articles also profiled. He will be a guest columnist for that online magazine through December, and then there will be an evaluation to see how his column does as far as readership. If it's high, he will be asked to continue, so PLEASE jot down the website and visit it after Sept. 1st...find his articles, and click on them.

Also, a very special treat is coming. I've suggested that Tom write to the BLOG through me as though he is here, and he has sent the first BLOG entry. I will be putting that on coinciding with the Sept. 1st column release, so that more people can read and respond.

I think you will find Tom's BLOG entries and contributions to Things That Matter and Church of the Laugh very heartwarming and/or humorous, depending on which section he is posting to. If you don't know what those sections are, read back to editor's comments about 3 weeks ago to see what I'm talking about.

Tom is very appreciative of ALL the readers and of the letters many of you are sending to him. You can find his mailing address in the ABOUT section under interests if you wish to correspond.

Thanks for dropping by!                                                                            ~Editor, Kathleen

The Dance of Hope

By Charles “Tom” Brown

Copyright 2002

I was on my way to the prison visitation room when my friend Ed smiled and shouted across the yard, “Have a nice visit, Tom!” As I think of this one who will spend the rest of his life in prison and has been forgotten by the outside world – this one who never gets a letter or a visit and yet wishes me a nice visit – I am filled with compassion.

My mind goes to those like Ed who from outer appearances have no hope of a better future and yet are able to greet each new day with a smile. What is this quality that they have attained…this quality called hope?

*It’s the daily bread that feeds the soul and breeds the courage to continue in the face of adversity.

*It’s the extra heartbeat that gives us positive energy when our senses can’t feel, hear, or see beyond negativity.

*It’s the extra set of muscles that allows us to carry on even though our legs can’t support us any longer.

*It’s the nectar that restores our health when our bodies feel old and broken down.

*It’s the extra push we give ourselves to bolster our reserves of patience and feel love when we find it difficult to feel.

Unlike expectation, which steals us from the present and pushes us down the path of disappointment when things don’t go our way, hope is patient. It is willing to stay with us in the here and now and assure us the future is open. As long as it is present, we’ll always feel a candle burning within us that’s ready to light the world.

For the prison lifers, the refugees, the homeless, the oppressed, hope is a tonic that keeps them going. Hope is hearing the melody of the future and faith is dancing to it today.

It’s dance time.