Beyond The Wall

The Gift

Years ago, "Tom" Brown was very good at investing money. His prowess at this became well known, and soon others sent him money to invest. For awhile, everyone was happy, for both Tom and his investors were making money. Tom guaranteed then a 10% profit. Tom was very good about paying his investors on time and in full. Then the market slumped, andTom made a few bad investments. Tom should have been forthright, and informed his investors about the bad news. He did not. Instead, he kept paying the investors the full 10%. His business imploded, and the investors became angry. Tom was charged with fraud. In 1998, when Tom was 66, he was convicted and sentenced to 17 years in prison To him, this was a life sentence. Today Tom is still in prison. The human spirit accepts no limitations. As the result of being imprisoned, Tom has grown in spirit. He writes articles that brim with deep and abiding wisdom. His articles are inspiring; they speak of patience, forgiveness and love. Stanley Peele is an emergency judge. He has been on the bench for 40 years. He and Tom have been writing each other for years. Through these letters, they have shared their aspirations and their deepest feelings. Although they have never met, have never heard each other’s voice, they have become close friends. Christmas is a time of joy. It also brings feelings of sadness and gloom. On Dec. 14, ‘05, Stanley was sitting at the kitchen table. His heart was heavy, for he had just heard of the death of a friend. He looked at his mail which was stacked on the table. "Oh!" He said to his wife, "Here is a letter from Tom!" He opened the envelope; here is the letter: ~~~~~~~~~ {Stanley – As you can imagine, I’m really limited with what I can send you for Christmas. Ah, but what I can send you is in this box – [Here he carefully drew a box wrapped in green paper with a red ribbon around it, crowned by a red ribbon.] Now this is not an ordinary box. It’s a magical box. When you untie the ribbon and open it, hearts and smileys ( :) :) :):) ) . . . will pop out. They represent the love and blessings I’m sending you. Merry Christmas to you, Stanley!} ~~~~~~~~~~ A tear formed in Stanley’s eye. He thought: "Wouldn’t it be nice if others followed Tom’s lead, and sent this type of gift – rather than presents.?" For here in this simple card, Tom had expressed the true essence of Christmas! By sending this simple gift, Tom had lifted Stanley’s spirits. Christmas is a time of letting go of the desire for wealth, power and fame; a time of turning toward the real world that lies under the patina of drama and ego. And that is the world of love. The earth was created out of love. It was the Garden of Eden. It is our desire for goods, money and influence that has changed the Garden of Eden into a world of turmoil. Today Tom Brown is in prison. All his property has been taken. He has no money, no stocks, no car, no bank account, no house, no furniture, nothing. Yes, he is in prison, but his spirit is free. His mind is free. And with his mind and his spirit, he can travel to the far corners of the universe! Fly away, Tom! Fly upward and away! Tom Brown and Stanley Peele December, 2005

10-10-05

To write is to step away from the clamor of this noisy, overcrowded dormitory, to take a deep breath and then to try to make sense of the feelings, impressions, and experiences that everyday life on this prison yard brings. The very act of putting them down – getting them out of the beehive of my head and onto the reality of paper – is a form of clarification. And as the words begin to take shape and make pairings across the page, gradually I can see what I thought or discern a pattern in the random responses, so that finally if all goes well, I’m convinced that I have something out of my system and into a domain where it creates a kind of order. Random experience then becomes a teaching, a cautionary tale, or even a blessing.

For me, to write is to make a clearing in the wilderness in which almost literally I can see the wood from the trees. I can take something that might only have been heartache and turn it into something enriching and even instructive.

In thinking of this spiritual trip we’re on, it often seems like a roller coaster, doesn’t it? What a ride it is! As we go up and down and around the sharp curves, all we can do is get a firm grip on the handlebars – on that which is eternal.

In the inevitable rising and falling on the roller coaster ride, there may be moments to push, to strive toward a spiritual goal. But more frequently, the task is one of letting go, of finding a gracious heart that honors the changes of life. It’s about stepping out of the current of thoughts, letting go of “how it was and how it should be” or “how we should be”. Honoring the truth of these ups and downs and of letting go allows our experience of darkness and falling to be part of the greater whole.

We all need periods of unproductive time, of being drawn closer to the humus of the earth. It is as though something in us slows down, calls us back. There are certain truths we can learn only by descent, truths that bring wholeness and humility in surrender. In the times of our heart’s greatest vulnerability, we come close to the selfless mystery of life.

I find that the spiritual life is preparation for transition from one state to another, from one circumstance to another. This prison experience has taught me to be present and to trust at deeper and deeper levels.

I needed to coax the light back with mercy and awareness. First, awareness needed to re-enter my body; I needed to feel my feelings. Then I needed to become aware that I was aware. Gradually, forgiveness toward myself and others became a reality – even loving others (and this included the “worst” of my fellow inmates) – as myself.

And ultimately, I came to love for no reason whatsoever, to love wholly, unreasonably.

There are many definitions of love, but for me, love is joy. Sometimes it’s an easy joy, like the joy of connecting with you through these words. Sometimes it’s a hard joy, like working out a difficult problem. But always, easy or hard, the joy that love brings is the joy of being more than I was before I loved.

It calls for climbing – groping perhaps – through the mists of me toward the higher dimensions of being where I can see clearly that love and I are one. Perhaps when I love, I catch at least an occasional glimpse of what life is like from God’s viewpoint. For God is love.

And this is certain, that having loved, though only a little, I would not go back to a life without love, whatever rewards or riches it might seem to offer. It would be like going back to being a caterpillar once I have put on the wings of a butterfly.

And so, dear friend, may you soar higher than ever on your butterfly wings.

10-2-2005

Thank you for entering my thoughts on the BLOG. I’m so grateful for the support and kindness. We never know how we are touching the lives of others and as you wrote, “If your work can touch one person in a positive way, its purpose is served.”

You also wrote that “people are highly over-extended these days.” That’s so true and right now, the effects of the hurricanes are on people’s minds. How I wish I could do something to help.

I’m enclosing your previous letter in a packet to the Clemency Board. Perhaps some of the BLOG readers will respond, too.

My inner child is alive and very active. He thinks I should remember Ralphie. As you can see from the envelope, he is carrying around a sign that states, “I souport publick edekasion.” He thinks he’s encouraging me with my teaching and I know he means well, but his sign really isn’t much help.

Yesterday he brought his cousin to me and introduced him –

Ralphie: This is my cousin. They call him “Twice”.

Me: Ralphie, why in the world would anybody call a dog “Twice”?

Raphie: Because he won’t come if you call him “Once”.

(I knew I shouldn’t have asked him that question!)

What am I going to do with him? He not only lays these bad jokes on me, but he misbehaves, too. I thought of taking him to obedience school, but he doesn’t want to go.

Enclosed are several essays for you – “The Call” and “Life’s Ironies”. “The Call” speaks of being true to that small voice within us. “Life’s Ironies” speaks of what, to me, is the ultimate irony – the fact that I had to lose everything in the material world to find out what real wealth is and I had to come to prison to find out what true freedom is. Some of us have to be hit over the head with that proverbial two by four!

9-5-2005

Several weeks ago, I sent an essay to you about a leaky bucket. It’s theme was “it’s ok to leak, to make mistakes.” It seems like every time I try to make a serious point, there’s a little boy in me who wants to poke fun at it. No matter how hard I try to keep him under control, he often gets on the loose anyway. This is what happened in this case. This conflict between seriousness and silliness is never-ending. What a dilemma!

As you can see from the envelope, Ralphie is becoming an activist. He has been carrying signs that promote causes that he believes in. Currently, he is promoting clarity in our communication. Somehow, though, I don’t think his sign will be much help. I think he gets caught up in his platitudinous ponderosity and polysyllabic profundity. Sometimes I have to put up with his pompous prolixity, too.

On a more serious subject, the news is still full of the devastation left by Hurricane Katrina. My heart goes out to those survivors. I wish that I could help them in some way, but all I can do is pray for them.

A few weeks ago I was complaining because of the intense heat in the dormitory here because of the power failure for a few days. That was nothing compared to what those people are going through. I know how the fellow felt when he complained of not having any shoes and then he met a man with no feet. It puts things in perspective, doesn’t it?

I’ve been spending more and more time trusting the silence of the early morning hours. Even in the Tower of Babel, there were locked doors at the end of the long hallways. And when the elevator is stuck between floors, it’s not always wise to sound the alarm.

Spirit speaks to us softly and gently in the silent spaces. It’s in the silence that we find our heart space and we renew and refresh ourselves so we can begin again.

The world is so agitated that to be in the presence of a single person who is at peace can feel remarkably healing, a great blessing. If we are still, others will come when they need to remember who they are.

Let’s hear it for the luminous ones who don’t stop shining when the lights go out!

8-26-2005

To my horror I discovered that I have repeated myself by sending you a duplicate copy of “Things That Matter.” Please excuse. One of the things that matter is not repeating oneself. Also, one should not be redundant, duplicative, repetitive, or just keep saying the same thing over and over and over.

Do you remember Ralphie’s dyslexic brother, Freddie? (cartoon dogs Tom draws). He’s the one who goes “Wow Bow” “Wow Bow” when he barks. I’ve been thinking that what might appear to be a dyslexic condition is perfectly normal to the one expressing it – it is just a different perspective.

For example:

(Picture of an Indian yogi sitting and chanting “OOOMMM” and a cow standing next to him going “MMMOOO”.)

8-17-05

Thank you for your letter. It means so very much to me to hear from you.

You wrote, “It doesn’t say much for our country that we have the highest imprisonment rate in the world.” Yes, and I would add to that, We are the largest producer of weapons in the world and the largest exporter of weapons to other countries. That says a lot about the level of consciousness of our country, doesn’t it? The prevailing attitude, both politically and theologically, is based on fear.

Thinking of weapons and power, I’ve been reading Power versus Force by David Hawkins, M.D., Ph.D. It’s brilliantly researched and written, revealing how, through kinesiology, we can calibrate and prove our truth and our level of consciousness. If you have a chance to read it, I think you would find it thought provoking.

Global consciousness basically is still at the level of fear and the use of force. What still must be learned about power is that it becomes sacred when it is used in the service of compassion – power for others rather than power over others.

You wrote that you have been encouraging readers to join in with “Things That Matter” and “Church of the Laugh.” My, but that brings back some precious memories. Creating those characters – (Friar Tom, Cowboy Tom, The Phantom, Silly Putty, Dr. Putty of the Putty Clinic, etc.) was therapeutic for me. My world was falling apart and I was losing everything in those dark days. Those characters became very real to me. They took on a life of their own. Posting on those two sites kept me from sinking into a depression and kept me focused on lightness and things that matter. (Editors note: These were message boards we had on AOL where we were able to make up our own topics and have them open to anyone who shared our interests – AOL has since dismantled those great discussion groups).

You suggested that I write for the BLOG as though I am posting to it, so I’ll enclose a letter for that purpose. I’ll also suggest a topic that might generate some interesting posts. Please feel free to edit it in any way you wish. You and I think alike and we have the same purpose so I am completely comfortable and grateful for any changes you make.

You wrote that you have begun the next book. How wonderful! You have the concept and, yes the characters will come. They’re awaiting you.

At this point, the little kid in me is jumping up and down wanting to play. He wants to poke a little fun so I’ll “let the kid out” and sketch something.

Back in a few minutes…

There. I’ll enclose it. As you can see, I’m not an artist, but I have fun with it anyway. (a picture of a cartoon bear looking absolutely astounded is enclosed in the letter). Behind the silliness is the message – “The new book is germinating in you right now, and it awaits your magical touch!”

May the writing muse be ever present for you!

The Faces of Change

By Charles “Tom” Brown

Copyright 2005

Change is both the bane and the blessing of our lives. It brings birth as readily as death. If it were not for impermanence, though, there would be no growth and there would be nothing to remind us of what lies beyond.

Energy unfolds as incessant change. We are constantly becoming something else. We never return to a room exactly the same person who left, and it is not the same room.

A table or a chair is just that for a cosmic moment until the wood mites and the wind turn it to sawdust. The momentum some call evolution and others refer to as karma continues turning it to soil, turning it to wood, turning it to a chair once again a cosmic moment later.

This is not to say that impermanence makes life perfect – either immediately or eventually – but as we accept it and embrace it, life does take on a new meaning, a kind of perfect imperfection.

What is truly hopeful is that change does occur. It’s as though life delights in taking us by surprise, tapping us on the shoulder and reminding us now and again of how very little we really know of all that is possible.

When we truly see the truth of impermanence, our hearts and minds relax. We no longer hold on to things quite so desperately. As we loosen our grip on what is always changing, we necessarily let go of struggle and so we let go of suffering. We realize that life is already organized within itself. Life flows form life, the bud unfolds into a flower, the child ripens into an adult. We learn to trust each stage, celebrate it, and allow the next one to come effortlessly.

At this point there is vitality in us, a sparkle that cannot be extinguished by any tragedy. Something in us, an urge toward wholeness, a passion for evolving, makes us go on, start over, not give up, not give in.

7-30-2005

This has been a challenging week and it really feels good to connect with you and to be able to feel your presence as I write this.

Last Sunday, lightning caused the power to be off to the entire prison complex here. The generators kept the lights on, but could not handle the air conditioning. The power did not come back on until late Tuesday, and it was 110 degrees outside. This noisy, overcrowded, extremely hot dormitory became almost unbearable. As you can imagine, this caused many of the fellows to become frustrated and angry. It took everything within me to stay centered and to try to keep the fellows calmed down. In the midst of all of this, though, there were some acts of kindness. For example, the minute the power cam back on, one of the fellows brought his fan to me, plugged it in and turned it on me so I would be more comfortable.

No matter how dark these “dark nights of the soul” are, we can always find things to be thankful for, can’t we? It’s just that sometimes we have to look pretty hard.

I have received many letters telling me what an excellent job you have done in setting up the BLOG site. Many have asked me to convey to you how much they have enjoyed the way you have set it up and your comments. How I wish that I could participate! I’m there in spirit, though. You wrote, “We never know what these assignments really are about until after the fact.” That’s so true. And I’m so grateful.

Recently, I’ve been working with my students on creatively writing their essays for the GED examination. Yesterday, as I was on my way to the classroom, one of the officers approached me and jokingly asked, “Well, are we writing creatively today?” I replied, “Well, we are trying” or some such banality.

What I wanted to say was – “Yes, we are writing. Do you have any concept of how important that is? We are learning to manipulate a very complex and difficult language. We are learning to use that language to explore who we are and why we are this way. We are learning to use language honestly, to avoid self-pity and unrealistic attitudes in our writing and in our lives.

We are learning to notice, through language, things we had never been aware of before. We are learning about the effect of language on others. We are learning to express parts of ourselves that have been suppressed and denied. We are learning things we will never forget.

Yes, we are writing creatively today. It’s a slow and difficult process that you, who make fun of it, cannot even imagine, but we are doing it. It is sometimes joyful. It is often painful. It gives us hope.”

And that is what I would like to have said!

On PBS they showed a man who appeared to be severely retarded. To my amazement, it was later explained that this man was a former cardiologist, brain-damaged in a car accident. It was a clear revelation of how fragile and temporary our entire persona is. A tap on the head and we’re somebody else.

Seeing this, it inspired me to explore the subject of life changes. The result is “The Faces of Change” which I’ll enclose for you. It reminds me to appreciate each moment more fully. As I sit here on my bed scribbling these words, I feel the warmth of connection and for these few moments I am keenly aware that we are One Spirit peering through two sets of eyes. How about that!

Spiritual Yearnings

By Charles “Tom” Brown

Copyright 2005

There is a universal longing to return home. Within us is a secret longing to step out of time, to feel our true place in this dancing world. It’s that thing in us that is an inward pull to learn how to touch divinity, touch the supreme reality, and then live in the world based on that being the center. It’s where we began and where we return.

In its simplest terms, our spiritual yearnings and practices are about bringing to every circumstance a spirit of love, openness, and freedom. Then our very being transforms the world around us.

As I write this from a prison dormitory and look around, I often see inmates praying, meditating, reading spiritual writings and following the practices of their traditions. Even in those who do not believe in the existence of God, though, the longing deep within will not disappear. Sooner or later we discover that nothing else for which we reach, nothing else which we acquire, can satisfy this deep inner longing.

When we start a spiritual practice, read a spiritual book, or contemplate what it means to live well, we have begun the inevitable process of opening to this truth, the truth of life itself. We learn to be in greater harmony with what is, with a greater inclusiveness of our hearts to all the seasons of life.

In following the yearnings of the spirit, we explore the unknown. First, it’s the investigation of the mystery of ourselves, psychological to a point, after which it is spiritual. Then there is an entering into the universal, spiritual to a point, after which it is indefinable.

Our awareness is steadily met by an insistent grace that draws us to the edge and beckons us to surrender safe territory and enter our enormity.

6-23-2005

I’m so grateful for the BLOG site. How can I ever thank you for that? You wrote, “I realize my life is one of service”, and I know that about mine, too. It’s such a blessing to know that this site can carry my words, thoughts, and dreams across space and time.

You mentioned something about fading away into old age – NOT YET! Compared to my age, you’re a youngster!” We both have many more words yet to write and many lives yet to touch. And besides that, our inner child is alive and kicking so let’s let the kid out!

Thinking of my inner child, I can’t contain him any longer…

In a previous letter, I told you about my cartoon dog Ralphie’s dyslexic brother, Freddie. Well, yesterday I managed to get him alone and say this to him:

“Ralphie, your brother keeps barking backwards and going “Wow Bow!” “Wow Bow!” What do you think we can do about him?”

“That’s easy,” he replied, “Let’s just get him to go “Arf! Arf!”

(That’s a perfect solution. Why didn’t I think of that?”)

Ralphie has been writing a letter to God and I don’t think he would mind if I share it with you –

Dear God,

Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named after a dog? How often do you see a couger riding around?

We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the “Chrysler Eagle” the “Chrysler Beagle”?

If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

When I get to heaven, can I sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Will I be forgiven for telling bad puns?

Your friend,

Ralphie

In spite of his unruly behavior and bad puns, I really care about that little guy.

And in spite of all this “tomfoolery”, I’m sincere in sending joyful loving thoughts to both of you all tied up with bright colored ribbons and attached to doves and balloons – a sight to behold.